FOUR MORE LESSONS IN MANAGEMENT

Here’s another in our series of serious, thought-provoking management lessons

Lesson One:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”  “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.  “They’re packed with nutrients.”  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management lesson:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there very long.

Lesson Two:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss.  The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”  The feet said, “We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”  The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”  And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss.  Promptly, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.  Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.  Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed.  All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat around and passed out the shit!

Management lesson:  You don’t need brains to be a boss—any asshole will do.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.  While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped a load of hot, steaming dung on it.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of dung, it began to realize how warm it was.  The dung was actually thawing him out!  He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung.  The cat promptly dug the bird out, killed him and ate him.

Management lesson:  Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.  Not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend.  And when you’re warm and happy in your pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!

Lesson Four:

The bull was desperately attracted to this really cute cow in the field but he knew she was dating someone else.

One day the bull got so frustrated that he went to her and said, “I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.”  The cow looked at him and said, “No!”  The bull said, “I’ll be real fast.  I’ll throw the money on the ground, you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.”  She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend, so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend said, “Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.  He won’t even be able to get his pants down.  Call me when it’s over.”  She agreed and accepted the bull’s proposal.  Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call.  Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened?  Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, “The SOB had all quarters!”

Management lesson:  Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it.

ArtSchwartzSig

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “FOUR MORE LESSONS IN MANAGEMENT

  1. Judy Hart

    Hilarious and yet oh so true!!!

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