My good friend from way back in college was a musician/entertainer who became a stand-up comic and then rose to fame and fortune as a professional speaker/humorist for conventions. One of his recordings with the Playmates was a million-dollar bestseller called Beep-Beep, the story of a Cadillac and a Nash Rambler.
He would sit on his deck overlooking the Mediterranean—oh, pardon me, it’s the Pacific but it sure feels like you were on the Mediterranean—and pass along entertaining tidbits.
Subject: A Delicate Corporate Matter
All of the 10 members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman’s office, one by one, until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the 10 other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down, the chairman turned to Bob, looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”
“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied. “Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.
“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!” “You’d swear to that?” “Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”
“Good, then you can fire her.”
Five Ways to Start a Fight
- My wife and I were watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ”Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started.
- One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started.
- When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the shed, the boat, making beer…always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
- After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too.”
And then the fight started!
- I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said, “I am NOT happy!” So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”
That’s how the fight started!
* * *
Dan was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look just like an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.”
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.