#1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 – “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 – You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop making you mad.
#4 – Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”
#6 – “On time” is when you get there.
#7 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid—but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
#9 – Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 – Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 – Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.
#12 – You still haven’t learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
And one more:
“One for the road means going to the bathroom before you leave the house.
Some Thoughts to Make You Crazy:
• Atheism is a non-profit organization.
• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section”? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Don’t worry about old age, it doesn’t last that long.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and he won’t bother you for weeks, maybe months.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow.
• Death is the number one killer in the world.