HAPPY HALF YEAR

It’s great to have a New Year’s celebration on January 1st each year, but it seems to me to be appropriate that (in this troubled year) we give some notice to the halfway point and start over.

So to start a new tradition of acknowledging the halfway point each year, I am presenting a few thoughts to spread the cheer.

HHH…HAPPY HALF YEAR

  1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
  2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  3. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.
  4. According to Parkinson’s Law, companies with a multitude of employees can provide enough work for themselves.
  5. Higdon’s Law – Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
  6. An optimist believes we live in the best of all worlds; a pessimist fear this is true.
  7. A woman might as well propose. Her husband will always claim she did.

Thoughts on exercising after 50:

It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life.  This enables you at the age of 85 to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She’s now 97 and we don’t know where the heck she is.

I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

The only reasons I would take up jogging is that I would hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent 400 bucks, and haven’t lost a pound.  Apparently you have to show up.

  1. An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.  “Yes, Dad, what is it?”  “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…”
  2. Restaurant menu entry: “T-Bone: $.59.” “With meat, $17.95.”
  3. Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charles Chaplin look-alike contest in Monte Carlo. He placed third.
  4. 71% of waterbed owners say they’re more fun than ordinary beds; 68% say more sensual; 57% “everything is better.” The main benefit (sleep) was never mentioned.
  5. If you arrive at work one hour earlier every day for one year, you’ll add a month of extra work.
  6. Good phrase to remember to combat emotional upset: “It’s not Nuclear War.”
  7. Counteroffers to employees to get them to stay usually don’t work. Most execs who accept leave within 18 months.
  8. Success of new products introduced by top companies like 3M, Microsoft, Proctor and Gamble, is less than 25%.

Psychiatric Hotline:

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press.  No one will answer.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

Wisdom in songs:

  • Don’t let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy…Eagles
  • Nothing left to lose..Janis Joplin

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